baby toys

So Christmas has come and gone. There was much wrapping and tissue paper, gift bags and love thrown about. I love Christmas, I really do. The lights, the gifts, the hustle and bustle. The food and the fact that there is wine everywhere.

There is a whole new entity to Christmas this year, you know, with the baby and all. She is too little to really "get" Christmas and Santa and such. Even next year that will all be something of a vague, fuzzy idea that is kind of exciting and fun but confusing to her, I imagine. But what happens when you have kids is that there are gifts. And some of the gifts are practical (yay!!) - thanks for the diapers (Mom) and the savings bond (Babcie) and the $$ (Uncle Bob and Aunt Barbara). Definitely big fan of that kind of thing...the child needs a clean bottom and the means to go to college. Some are cute - stuffed monkeys and little girlie outfits are great. Some are sweet but duplicates - how many My First Christmas ornaments does one child need? Some are wonderful and will stimulate learning - yay for blocks, a xylophone and stacking rings. But others are just....noisy and loud and plastic and annoying. Now, truth be told, some of these bothersome presents came straight from Santa, i.e. HER FATHER. So, it's not like I'm blaming anyone in particular.

See, we have a small house. And it is already full of crap. We have an entertainment center that is as big as a climbing wall. We have a tv that would barely fit in the back of a pick up truck. And yet two people cannot really comfortably make a meal together in our kitchen due to lack of space. So it gave me a mini panic attack when I saw the growing pile of baby items (and presents for mama and daddy) as Christmas day drew to a close. Don't get me wrong - i love presents! And many of the items were much needed. However, our dining room table is currently stacked to the ceiling. And the pile makes noise. It sings and laughs and beeps and honks. Little colorful plastic edges poke out and if you touch something, it plays a song at you. Loudly. Last night there was some hidden stuffed critter emitting an unidentifiable animal noise late into the night. We never found it - we think it's battery died. Praise the Lord.

I've gotten past my vision of my baby quietly and contentedly playing with only handcrafted, organic, non-toxic, paint-free, fruit extract-dyed, wooden blocks. Believe me, that plastic monstrosity that is our Exersaucer has bought me enough time to clean the kitchen once or twice! But why does everyone think that beeping, blinking, honking, ringing, spinning junk is the only way to go? Maybe because the other stuff is expensive? Maybe it seems boring? Maybe they know that the loud, moving stuff gets the most oohs and ahhs - like how at a baby shower, cute outfits beat out wipes and laundry detergent every time?

With the exception of the Exersaucer, Cassidy's favorite toy so far as been this contraption a friend sent us that consists of stretchy cord, wooden beads and sticks. It's sort of like a ball made out of a web of those cords and wood (see photo below. )It makes no noise and it doesn't move unless she moves it. She loves it so much that she gets so excited while playing with it, she usually hits herself in the eye at some point.



To be clear, I think some of that plastic, beeping stuff is ok. I'm all for a balanced approach. And I get it that some of these toys prompt the little one to do something, teaching them cause and effect. HOWEVER...I think that is part of what bothers me. It's mostly a scam. Two words: Baby Eintein. Talk about false advertising, sheesh. Slap the word "educational" on there and people go crazy for it. There is big money in this stuff. The people at PlaySchool or Fisher Price do not care about my baby. They care about their bottom line. And they've figured out that babies are interested in stuff that makes noise and moves and entertains them. They like it. Guess what? I also really like lasagne, chicken fingers and ice cream but if I decided to subsist on those exclusively, I would also start investing in some seat belt extenders and Lipitor.

I think the bottom line is: just because they like it doesn't mean it's good for them. It also doesn't mean it's necessarily "bad" for them. You won't hear even the strictest of diet gurus tell you to never have a cookie again in your life. But maybe a little more balance? Moderation? I guess the way this is going to work is that most people are going to buy her loud, beepy, honky stuff. And I'll give her my mixing bowls to play with. And my mom will, thankfully, buy diapers.

Jesus Christ is born...and Santa came!

Photos from Christmas morning!

None of us look especially camera-ready so maybe we'll do an afternoon, post-shower shoot, too.

Just some photos...

A sampling of photos from the Christmas family photo shoot

baby yoga and other fantasies

So I saw this video on yoga for babies and I was thinking, "Hmm...interesting, I wonder if they have a class for moms and babies around here." And then I remembered that I haven't had time to so much as change the filter in the Brita pitcher in 5 months.

If you are at all like me, you have this fantasical notion that you can squeeze just about anything onto that plate of yours. For example, I am married. I work full time. I am a grad student. I have a 5 month old baby. I blog. I serve on the fundraising board of a nonprofit. I belong to a professional organization. I am active on several Internet discussion/support group boards - I mean, like REALLY active. I garden and make my own baby food.

Know what the crazy part is? There are about 20 other things I am interested in doing that I have to hold myself back from committing to because I simply do not have the time. Like baby yoga. And a PhD. And consulting (ok, maybe I have a meeting set up for next week, but I swear, it is just a preliminary conversation.) And a part time job that would pay really well. I would like to go on Survivor (except does anyone know if they let you bring a waxing kit or at least some tweezers, because otherwise, we can cross that right off the list...close ups on my upper lip and chin after 39 days without maintenance - NO THANK YOU, Jeff Probst.) I would like to make some kind of wearable item for my baby...a hat, a dress, mittens? I would like to read about 17 books. I think it would be interesting to take the baby girl to the chiropractor - supposedly they can correct a whole host of things (like poor sleeping habits!) I would like to download some music onto my Ipod. I would like to sit and pet my cat for five minutes because otherwise he will continue plotting our deaths as payback for the lack of attention. I would like to take an East Coast road trip and visit some friends and their families. I would like to take care of my roots. I would like to go to the NPR web site, go to the Marketplace page and look at a photo of Kai Risdall because I have always wondered what he looks like.

These are all things that are on the list. Some are at the top and written in ALL CAPS with a fat Sharpie. Others are lazily scrawled in by pencil - barely more than an absentminded doodle. I have a great many things I want to do - my brain fires out "what can I do next" ideas AK-47 style. I dream of a 36 hour day. I dream of living to be 200 years old (ideally staying 31 for the next 150 or so.)

But then I look at my little lady. And my marvelous, interesting, patient husband and the poor cat. And I suddenly dream of selling everything we own and buying a little place out in the most remote location you can think of, somewhere in one of those big, square-shaped states in the general middle of the country, where we'll live by a stream and catch fish and grow all of our vegetables and dry our laundry out in the sun. I envision drinking wine we made ourselves from a little vineyard and...then I start to realize I would be EXACTLY the same way out in the boonies. I'd dream up lists of the next little projects. Just because you accomplish it with a shovel and some twine instead of a Blackberry doesn't mean it's any less ADD (which my husband is convinced I have.)

Some people think I'm discontent, but really that isn't it. I just like so many things and am interested in so many things...I feel like life is racing away from me...I have to hurry if I want to try it all. I hate feeling like I'm missing something - that's the real issue. I love the way things are right now. I just want to hit "pause" and run over and try something else for a while. Oprah says "Live your Best life." I totally want to. But which one???

Being a mom

I'm almost 5 months deep into this mama gig. Some reflections:

Her heart grew three sizes that day:

Yeah, that really does happen. The whole "I had no idea I could love something this much" thing. I mean, you just look at this little person that you baked inside you for the better part of a year and you melt. That first smile - holy crap. You want to shout from the roof tops "She likes me! She really likes me!" Because before that, you're really not sure. That smile seals the deal and you're like "Yeah, we are in this together, little lady."

Shifting priorities:

So I looked at my nails yesterday and fondly recalled the days of smooth, burgundy-hued, polished arcs that Grandma would have approved of. Instead we have shredded, ragged she-claws charmingly framed by slightly bloody hang nails.

The baby's little tub/washing station has been in my bathtub for 3 days. Know what that means? I haven't showered since then.

I used to hate that when you walked into people's houses, how if they had kids, you'd have to climb over the blocks, exersaucer and bouncy seat. I thought to myself...when I have kids...my children will have only a select few beautifully crafted, hand-carved wooden items that they cherish and will sit and play with for hours on end. None of this plastic jungle of primary colors invading our retro diner style vibe we having going on. Umm...yeah, let's just say we step over a lot of things in our house now and they are not handcrafted or made of wood. I would install a zip line to get from the kitchen to the living room to navigate the various baby apparatuses we have before I would get rid of them. She loves her exersaucer! I love anything that she loves!

Changing relationships:

Love my child or hit the road. I used to secretly dread that someone would bring their kid with them to do something with me - shopping, lunch, etc. Wellll...Sorry, but if you think babies are annoying or bothersome, you're off the list. Sure, I'll meet you for happy hour without the little one, but you should at least act a little bit disappointed that I'm not bringing her to see you.

Suddenly easily amused and amazed:

I used to think it was so ridiculous when parents raved about their babies and the latest "achievement." I mean, come on, we all started as babies and headed steadily toward adulthood, acquiring skills along the way. It like, umm, how it works. Fast forward a few months: My baby recently discovered how her hands work. She reaches out and grabs stuff like my husband's beard. It is both amazing and mind bogglingly cute. I nearly called the Post Gazette to insist they send out a reporter. I spend an obscene amount of time with a camera pointed at her saying "Oooh, do that again for mama! Cassidy! Cassidy, up here! Up here honey! Hey, hey you! Do that again so mama can take a picture to show Grammie!"

New hairstyle:

So I found this old clip thing that I think I stole from my friend Haley, accidentally and it has changed my life. I can put my hair up in about 4 seconds - it looks fabulous and allows me to go yet another day without water touching my head. Yes, there may be a few small critters that have taken up residence in my curly nest, but anything that gets me out the door 20 minutes faster is freakin' miracle.

Thanksgiving! And real food!

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So much to be thankful for. Especially this little peanut. She just gets cuter and cuter. She makes me lagh about 43 times a day. Please note oatmeal on face. Yay for eating!

The many boyfriends of Cassidy

There are quite a few potential suitors for the baby girl. J. Solar's little man, Sawyer is currently mama's first pick. But, Cassidy had her first date last weekend with Mr. Chase. He is an older man...4 months her senior, but we as we tell ourselves daily "She's very advanced." So, perhaps a May December romance, or more accurately, a March-July romance is in order. In any case, they have a lot in common already as they are both huge Steelers fans. We managed to capture a few intimate moments. See what you think...

Cool holiday gifts for those on your list

Here is a list and links to stuff I think is neat-o and would make nice gifts. I've already turned in my wish lists so these aren't necessarily things I personally would want - but they are all interesting and maybe will spark a good idea for those who are still idea shopping for those on their list.

This apron is amazing. I think it would make me a better cook just wearing it:
http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=34691089&ref=sr_list_15&&ga_search_query=vintage+apron&ga_search_type=handmade&ga_page=2&order=&includes[]=tags&includes[]=title

Keys with a "head" that is different/unusual - you can easily find your house key, work key, garage key, etc. I love this! http://www.statkeycompany.com/keyblank/icons/house-key

For the children - 10 games in one. And they're cool old school games like checkers, chess, chinese checkers and that game no one knows how to play...backgammon! http://www.johnlewis.com/230435637/Product.aspx?source=46387

Just for sillies - night vision goggles! http://www.iwantoneofthose.com/night-vision-goggles/index.html

Opportunity International is an interesting nonprofit organization. They provide banking services (loans, insurance, savings, training) to those in impoverished nations - example: for a very small amount of money in the form of a loan, a woman in a underdeveloped country can purchase materials orequipment to fund a small, simple business and become self-sustaining. They pay back the loan and the money is re-invested in others who aspire to become independent. You can purchase coffee here as a gift to a globally minded friend or relative and support this organization. www.opportunity.org/coffeeclub

Cassidy says she wants the biggest, most amazing, expensive, awesome, extravagent, organic, diamond encrusted, handcrafted, all-natural, exclusive, unusual, prestigious, trendy, hip, cool, special, celebrity-endorsed teething ring, ever.

On the subject of keepsakes...

So, I know a lot of people that are making stuff for their baby. Baby's first Christmas ornament, Baby's first blankie, a special toy, a rattle, etc. I am all for that kind of thing...well, within reason...there is a lot of weird stuff out there. I just don't really know how to make anything. Anyone have any suggestions? I don't like embellished, knit things, ugly photo frames, pillows with embroidery...pretty much anything embroidered. I do not like figurines (with one very small exception - I have a slightly soft spot in my heart for those Willow Creek things because my grandma got me one and so did my mom - however, I do not want a giant collection!!)

I want a cool idea. Something neat-o that would be interesting to look back at. I can tell you one thing, though. I really, really do not want this:



http://www.inhabitots.com/2009/10/01/doing-it-for-the-kids-design-exhibition-placenta-teddy-bear/

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Rollin' down the street smokin' indo, sippin' on gin and juice...

Ok, not really. But we ARE rolling.

While I was out with a friend, Cassidy rolled from her tummy to her back! Her daddy was there to see it and sent me a text informing me as such - nothing like mommy guilt! THen, when I was at grad school, Kevin put her on her back on the floor, walked into the bathroom to run her bath water, came back and she was on her tummy. We missed it!!! I am oddly proud that she did it by herself, though. I think that is kind of cool - she just decided to do it and she did. However, today, I saw her do it again. So I got to see the first witnessed back to tummy roll. Yay!!

She had a decent night of sleep last night. There was a significant amount of fussing for a while, but after midnight she settled down and was zonked out until 7am - at which point I brought her into bed for some snuggle time and we half-slept, half snuggled until 8. That is my absolute favorite part of life - early morning snuggles with a sleepy but happy baby.

How funny is this little pose?

Sleep regression, cuteness progression

Well, the little lady is not really into sleeping through the night. She likes to wake up approximately every hour or so and yell. Sometimes she's not even crying, it's just more of a general yelling. I think she just doesn't like to be alone. I can relate. I'm not good at being alone either.

new lives

In the beginning, there was Jessi and there was Kevin. And then there was Jessi and Kevin.


Our lives are so different with Cassidy in it. But, as I overheard Kevin saying to her the other day, it's hard to remember what life was like before her! I mean that - I am so used to her, it's hard to recall life BC (Before Cassidy.) We were happy before, but now it feels like we have a greater purpose. This little one just might change the world.

Halloween!

personality

It is so interesting to me to hear from more seasoned mamas that their little ones' personalities were pretty much set from Day One. You think you're going to mold and shape this child into the something specific - maybe a better version of yourself or sans the parts of you that you and the rest of the world could do with out...only to discover that the bun comes out of the oven pretty much done.

The way I've been looking at it is that I'm getting to know her, not making her into something. As I get to know this sweet little creature, I notice little things that make her who she is.

She is strong-willed. With the tiny bit of power she has - her voice and the ability to swat things, turn away from things, grab things, and stiffen her entire body to avoid being put into the car seat - she does with full effort. The look of determination on her face when she tries (often successfully) to put the bink back in her mouth) is so focused and adult-like. She knows what she wants. Now, do WE always know what she wants - no way. But she does.

She lacks patience. Some babies, when you remove the bottle to wipe their mouth or burp them, they whine or make sucking faces or look concerned or disappointed. My kid? She screams. LOUD. And immediately. But as soon as you give her what she wants, she's happy.

She gets bored easily. Mobiles and toys hold her attention for about 30 seconds.

She likes music (usually cries when it stops.)

She amuses herself. Sometimes, I'll find her in her crib or co-sleeper, awake from her last nap and she is just gurgling and laughing. She seriously cracks herself up. And when she sees me coming to get her, she laughs really hard like "Haha, hey, Mom, you've got to hear this joke I just made up."

She enjoys being around people. Unless she is hungry or tired, she is happy to see just about anyone. She is generous with smiles.

She has anger management issues. She has no scale - it's mostly either totally content and happy or full-blown RAGE. This usually only happens when she is very hungry or very tired.

She is a morning person - we can't figure out how that happened but this little peanut is just a barrel full of laughs and smiles in the a.m.

The good news is the more I get to know her, the more I love her.

the present that came in the mail...

...can be seen on my daughter's head...



Thanks Jess - I think we have just the right mix of feminine flair and Steelers pride. I especially enjoy how the center is actually a bottle cap. Nothing says baby bow like the lid of a beer.

Friends

I am really grateful for our friends. My only issue is that we live so far from most of the good ones. Both far in the "across town" sense as well as the "four large states away" sense.

Today the Edders and Borlands came over (shout out to both as they apparently are faithful lemonscarlet readers) and we had a lovely time. Kevin and I just ate the delicious homemade soup that was brought to us - I didn't know chicken soup could be that good, seriously. Anyway, it was really nice to spend the time together.

Another friend sent us a great present for Cassidy - a Steelers headband that is a huge bow almost as big as her head with a Steelers bottle cap in the center. It is hilarious and fabulous. I am having trouble getting new pictures off my camera and onto the computer. Will post one soon.

Cassidy is entering a few new chapters in her life. For one thing she is now sleeping in her crib, at least until her 4 or 5am feeding at which point she goes in the co-sleeper. People keep saying how they got SO MUCH more sleep once their kid started sleeping in the crib and out of their room - so far this is NOT true. I am hoping we just need a solid week or so to get her used to it. Currently she is not a big fan. She isn't screaming all night or anything - just fussing a lot more frequently - enough to make us get up and check on her, put her bink back in , etc.

Perhaps this is TMI - I am sure she will love reading this when she is about 16, but she has also been having a lot of trouble going number 2. Poor thing. It's so funny though how at a certain age, things become "private" but how babies use their entire bodies, stiffening their legs, letting their face get red, grunting, etc. to umm, move things along. We have had to give her some juice every few days to assist in the process, as per doc's suggestion, and then of course we get explosive poop. We had this today and Kevin was on diaper duty. I watched over his shoulder and helpfully said "That's what Jenny McCarthy calls 'shit up the back' in Baby Laughs" Kevin stares at me for a second and says "Really? How'd she come up with that one?" Yeah, there wasn't too much about that book that was especially original or clever.

Cassidy now blows raspberries in response. It's really amazing when your baby does anything on cue. Granted, she only does this about half the time - sometimes, she loves it and will do it back and forth like 10 times. Other times it's like she doesn't remember how or doesn't care. She also seems like she is trying to wave, again, only sometimes. She likes watching the fish in the fish tank and she does not like waiting for her bottle or taking a break to burp.

I am irrationally worried about Swine Flu. I think Kevin and I are both going to get the vaccine. Is it available yet? Not the live one in the nose spray, the actual shot.

I guess that's the 14 week update. She is looking exra cute these days.

new hair, hopefully not mom hair

I got my hair cut, colored and styled straight yesterday.

Have a look-see.

Burp cloth name contest and killer kitty

I was thinking this morning as my 3-month old bundle of cute barfed on me for the third time, totally missing the burp cloth, AGAIN. See, she does this thing where she burps and about 3 full seconds later, a huge waterfall of slightly digested formula comes tumbling out. I know it's coming, so I've got the burp cloth all ready to go, held in front of her mouth and chin, to catch said liquid before it ends up on her outfit, my shirt, m pants, the Boppy pillow and the carpet (yes, there have been incidents where one little baby barf has ended up on all of those things, somehow.) But right at the very last second, she, seemingly on purpose, turns her head so that nary a drop ends up on the burp cloth. So, my big revelation this morning: Why do they call it a burp cloth? It is clearly a barf cloth. And it doesn't work too well for that, either, apparently. Maybe it should be called a wiping up the barf cloth, because that is the main use we get out of it. Anyone have any catchier ideas?

Also, I think our cat is trying to kill us. See, Henry is extremely friendly, but also a cat that has a lot of emotional needs. He likes to be ON you, preferably, with RIGHT NEXT TO YOU as a reasonable alternative. He does not understand why Cassidy does not pet him when he rubs against her foot and he does not appreciate all of the attention going her way. In the early days, when Cassidy would wake up at the drop of a pin, I have to admit that Henry got locked in the basement a couple of times. (After a few particularly boisterous meows announcing he had woken up from his nap or simply entered the room, resulting in a previously sleeping baby tranforming into a shrieking baby.)

Well, I can tell you one thing I know about cats. They don't get mad; they get even. I have heard some interesting stories about cats who unwillingly become big brothers or sisters to human babies. I have heard of laundry being urinated on, cribs becoming litter boxes. Henry, apparently is too refined to use his own excrement to make a point. He's not giving any warning, either. It's on like Donkey Kong. I have noticed that in addition to giving us dirty looks and turning his back on us, he has started leaving his toys, strategically placed on the stairs. He does this at night so that the chances are higher than I will trip and fall on them, tumbling to my death while carrying the baby downstairs in the morning. I believe I have seen a look of disappointment cross his face when I have successfully navigated Toy Death Stairs the past few mornings. I am concerned he is plotting to ramp up his efforts.

I am thinking we had better switch to the wet food and be a little more liberal with the Greenie Treats...that is, if we value our lives. Can you see the danger in his eyes?

eat-play-sleep

Well, I didn't want to post about it until we'd really given it a real shot. See, we read the book On Becoming Babywise. It's kind of controversial, largely, from what I can gather, because it used to present the theory in the form of hardcore rules about when the baby is allowed to eat, sleep and play. Apparently it used to tell you that if your baby was screaming its head off in the middle of the night, even if he/she hadn't eaten in 7 hours that you absolutely were not allowed to feed them and that they had to cry it out. The version I have, the tone is pretty flexible, really, and it doesn't say anything about letting the baby cry it out unles I missed that part.

So, as you know, we decided to try it. We, at about 6 weeks, we got Cassidy on a flexible schedule where she would eat a full feeding, then stay awake for a little and then take a nap. The first thing we realized is that she was tired. We weren't letting her nap enough before - with the schedule, it helped us to see something we couldn't without it and that was that she needed much more sleep throughout the day than we were encouraging her to have. (She needs some help falling asleep, so she wouldn't just go to sleep on her own; instead, she cried.)

Almost immediately, she began to have a much more predictable schedule. She ate every 2.5-3 hours and stayed up for a little, then went down for a nap (we rock her or just hold her until she falls asleep) and she would nap until she woke up. She also very quickly started sleeping much better, and in much longer stretches at night.

Within a week, she was going to bed at 8pm, and sleeping until about 3am. She would wake up, eat and go right back to sleep. It has been over 5 weeks and she is still on that same schedule. She sleeps from 8pm-3 or 4am, eats and goes right back to sleep until 7 or 8am. She does fuss a little between 5am and 6am, but she doesn't cry or anything. She just grunts and whines for a little bit. It's just a matter of patting her and maybe putting her bink back in. This morning, she fussed for about 30 minutes from 5:30am-6 and then went back to sleep and she was still asleep at 8am.

The book would say that she should be sleeping through the night by now, but I actually don't agree that she should go from 8pm-8am with no food at this age and I think 1 middle of the night feeding is no big deal (especially since I'm not the one that does it, hahaha.)

So, I know that some people seem to feel that this book is controversial, but I just can't figure out why. We've never denied her food, we've never forced her to stay awake when she's been tired, we've never let her cry it out (except for a minute here and there and that's only because I'm in the bathroom or getting a bottle ready or something) and the book doesn't say those things. The book does talk about how the baby shouldn't be the center of your world, and on one hand, I see what they're saying, but on the other hand, I think it's fine to focus on the baby and prioritize them above all else. That's not why we went with the Babywise eat-play-sleep theory. We went with it because a number of people (who we can relate to and whose kids we really like) have used that book and recommend it. We were having issues and what we were doing wasn't working. So we tried this and it worked. Probably doesn't work for everyone. And you can probably easily go overboard with some of the stuff.

Currently, we are blessed with a very easy 3 month old. She eats well (more spit up lately but no reflux or anything.) She sleeps very well at night. I can get her to fall asleep for a nap in about 2 minutes when she is tired. She is really into riding in the car, likes the grocery store and other outings. She laughs and smiles so much, it makes me want to just eat her up! It was so hard at first, I thought we'd never make it. But we are in a phase right now where we are sailing smooth and I am sooo grateful.

working mothers, etc.

So as you know if you pay attention, I am a married, working parent who is enrolled in grad school. THat is a lot of life areas to be responsible for. I have found myself thinking about it a lot, so much that I have decided to develop a research proposal for my research class around this population of people - those who are married, have kids, are in grad school and are full-time employed. It is not a well studied group and it sounds kind of specific, but almost everyone in my grad school classes fall into that category.

Work-life balance is a touch thing for all of us, well, most of us who work, anyway. You have to account for such a variety fo things: your children's needs, your spouse's needs, your needs (talking basic needs here - physical and emotional. primarily.) THen you have the issue of $$ to meet those needs, so that is a major factor. Then there is health and wellness - are you eating well? Exercising? Or does that go by the wayside? What about the part of your week formerly known as your social life? Has it been reduced to only absolute obligations like weddings, baby showers and funerals? (For example, I am going to a birthday party today and my only justification is that it is my boss's birthday party.) How about work and school? THere is a trade off, for me, anyway. Do I dig into my work now or give that paper one last read-through? Or, more generally, do I do the bare minimum I need to get the grade I'm satisfied with or do I give it my all because I am paying for it and want to learn?

Is it enough to spend the morning, evening and weekend hours with the baby? Am I doing more or less than other moms? Is it a benefit because my husband is equally responsible or am I falling short as a mother somehow? WIll my child benefit from this crazy chapter of life, ultimately, because her mother has her own life and career and goals - will she be inspired by that? Will she be inspired that you really can "have it all?" Or will we miss out on something important we can't get back?

Digging into this research has made me 1. very interested in the topic and wanting to do the actual study and 2. very interested in research, period, and therefore, more interested than ever in getting my PhD.

However, as you maybe have guessed, that goes back into the research topic. SHould I finish my master's and be done with it, be done with this lifestyle that feels a little like playing twister with my life - stretching for that green circle while maintaining contact with the blue one, possibly squishing friends or family members along the way? Or do I push on through, meet that goal, and enjoy the ride?

Sometimes I have doubts. But sometimes I feel like my doubts are placed there by others and they are not really mine at all. Even when people are polite, that look, when I talk about my life areas and the nature of being in multiple roles, that look of "you are a certifiable lunatic, lady" can be painful. Mostly I ignore it, because I'm fairly confident in the choices I've made and even when I'm now, I plow ahead and things generally work out. But occasionally, the doubt of others...it gives me pause. THere are things I've been wrong about before. Mostly I'm right about predicting how I will experience something. I was pretty much dead-on about my marriage - it's gone almost exactly how I've expected it to, thankfully. And this current stage of motherhood is about what I expected. However, those first few weeks of Cassidy's life were just crazy. I wanted to roll over and die. I wanted to jump out the window. And I wasn't expecting it. So, I'm always thinking in the very veyr back of my mind that I might actually be on the verge of a nervous breakdown without even realizing it.

My life is what I want it to be right now, I'm fairly certain of that. I feel happy and confident and reasonably content. But I find myself wondering, what, if anything, could make it even better? More time with the baby? More time for myself? More sleep? More money? More certianty about the future in terms of my academic plans?

In any case, being a mom is this whole other world, but the world you were in before doesn't completley disapear - you still have to manage your life. And I'm still figuring that out.

current photos

Soooo much better

Well, I think that post-birth hormones, sleepless nights, being homebound and out of a routine and not knowing what the hell you're doing are the perfect storm that result in a generally anxious, unhappy person. The good news is, about 6 weeks into this journey, all three of those things simultaneously got better.

Cassidy started sleeping with something of a predictable schedule. My emotions seemed to calm down rather suddenly. I became comfortable leaving the house with a baby. I went back to work. And I kind of figured out what I'm doing.

I can now imagine having another child. That is a huge relief to me.

For that first month and a half, I felt like I was stuck inside a garbage bag. Some days I felt like I was clawing to get out and other days like I'd resigned myself to being stuck in a Hefty Cinch Sack for the rest of my days. But finally, at almost exactly 6 weeks, it was as if someone opened the top of the bag and light flooded in and I got a big giant breath of cool, fresh air and stretched my limbs.

I enjoy her so much now. Even when she isn't happy, it's no big deal. I usually know how to fix it and if I don't, she chills out eventually. I have gotten to be ok with holding/cuddling a crying baby and kind of half ignoring the crying. Also, she makes me laugh a lot. We laugh together (Kevin and me) about her a lot which is really fun.

Being away from her is a little bit tough, but I just love picking her up or coming home to her. I feel, when I'm driving to pick her up or driving home to see her, kind of like I did when Kevin and I were dating and I'd get annoyed with traffic on the way to his house because I was so anxious to see him.

One thing that really helps is that she very consistently will go to sleep around 7:45pm and that allows us to have our usual routine of 8pm dinner and hang out/chat/read/blog/watch tv from about 8:30 until bedtime. I really need that time to unwind. I got to bed earlier (because I get up earlier with her) so I am really glad to know at least approximately when the "on duty" sign goes off. You know? It is really good for both of us to have that time to catch up and relax a little bit. Plus, I can go to bed at 10 or so and I know I don't have to get up until 5 at the very earliest (usually more like 5:30) and even if she wakes up then, a quick re-inserting of the binkie can usually buy me another 15 minutes, and that can usually happen 3-4 times until she gets sick of playing that game. Around 6:30 or so, I bring her into our bed and kind of just cuddle with her and maybe half-sleep if she's really mellow. But I honestly don't actually get up with her until around 7am - for an 8 week old, that's pretty darned good.

Best one yet

I know I have been focusing on the smiling. And that gets kind of boring after a while. But there is a reason I am focusing on this. I think the whole Cassidy getting developmentally to the point where she is actually reacting and responding to us has pushed me out of my new-mama funk. I have been feeling slowly better and more like myself over the past month, but her face lighting up when she sees me is amazing and has made everything worth it. I thought people were just saying that when they would say that when your kid smiles at you, it's all worth it. Doesn't that sound made up? A cliche that isn't even true? A lie, almost?

I'm here to tell you it is totally true and I am not exaggerating. When that little thing finally seems to notice you, and LIKE you - wow. The memories of those sleepless nights and hours of her crying just melt and fade. It doesn't matter. Really. I would do almost anything for that smile. I think this is why people spoil their kids - they get addicted to that smile. And I totally understand why.

There is quite simply nothing better than this...

gotcha

She started smiling about a week or so ago but now she's doing it pretty regularly. Of course my camera has that like 1/2 second delay with the flash so I can never get it at the "height" of the smile, but at least this is something. I had to take about 17 pictures to get a couple decent ones but I finally got some.

First day of daycare

So we decided to go with this woman who lives about 5 minutes away and has a two year old son as well as two school ages girls that she watches in her home during the after school hours. Her name is Kristin and both Kevin and I feel good about having her watch Cassidy. She is young (probably early 20s) but I get a good feeling from her. She seems patient and really seems to enjoy children. She also is trying to get pregnant so she's very much in baby-loving mode.

This is absolutely the best arrangement for us, all things considered. Cassidy will be with my dad on Mondays, me on Tuesdays, Kristin on Wednesdays and Fridays and Kevin will have her on Thursdays. I am concerned that she is going to be kind of confused and not fully into a daily routine - but I also think she'll benefit from learning to adapt and go with the flow. I also think it will be great for her to be around other kids to get used to those sounds and that environment. If we have five kids, she would be growing up in a very different home and I want her to have some of that experience. Oh, they also have this teeny, tiny, surprisingly friendly, fat little chiuaua (sp?) doggie.

But, as confident as I am, it's still very difficult to turn your totally dependent, vulnerable baby over to someone you barely know. I find myself considering buying Kristin a webcam and other crazy new-mom stuff - I know I just need to relax and go with it - but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. I am also worried that when I come to pick her up, she'll be screaming (which she does fairly frequently when she's with us or my parents) and I'll feel horrible and feel like she might have been doing that all day because I left her - ugh.

I'll let you know how it goes.

a real smile, caught on camera!

Thanks, Grammy!

Smiles

So, probably the greatest thing so far about parenting, for me, has happened recently. She is 6.5 weeks old and she is starting to smile for actual reasons, rather that just when she is farting or something. It is the most gratifying thing, when this little blob who seems to just kind of eat, sleep, poop and cry - with no consideration for how they have turned your life upside down - suddenly starts reacting to you. It's pretty freakin' cool. The first time it happened I actually said out loud "Wow, she likes me!" Prior to that, there was no real indication.

I have yet to take a photo of her while she is really smiling...but here is one to tide you over.

Parenting methods

So if you are psycho like me, you read a lot of books about things like pregnancy, childbirth and parenting. The trouble with reading so many books is that there are a lot of different philosophies out there so choosing one to go with is confusing.

In parenting, there seem to be two major camps. Well, three. There is the Attachment Parenting camp - headed up by Dr. Sears and his wife Nurse Sears - they have like 10 kids, some with special needs, and some adopted. He's a pediatrician, she's a nurse and lactation consultant. Seems like they probably know a thing or two. Their whole thing is being CLOSE with your baby, physically. Breastfeeding is a must, co-sleeping (baby in the bed with mom) is recommended, and "wearing" your baby in a sling or carrier is a big part of it. Bonding is emphasized. Staying home with the baby as opposed to working is preferred although they do make recommendations for how to deal if you cannot do that. The baby lets you know when he or she is hungry. The baby decides when he or she will sleep. If baby cries, you go to him or her and even if nothing is wrong, you hold the baby until he or she is comforted. Basically, the baby is running the show and you, as the parent are responding. The trouble with this method is that if you aren't a stay at home mom, it's difficult to fully commit to it. Additionally, some people are uncomfortable with co-cleeping. Finally - responding at your baby's every grunt, whine or cry is truly exhausting. There is pretty solid research to back up a lot of this stuff - such that I am about 70% sure that if the ONLY factor you are considering is your baby's sense of security and wellbeing, this is probably the best mothod to follow. Not everyone buys into this, and even for those who accept the research that is presented, this is not realistic for everyone due to lifestyle, finances, preferences and safety/comfort level.

At the other end of the spectrum, there are a few authors (I hesitate to call any of these people "experts" which I'll get into in a moment) that suggest that the worst thing you can do is make your baby the center of your world. Your marriage will be destroyed, your sex life will cease. You will end up raising a selfish, bratty kid. So, instead of "babying" your baby, you "train" them. You train them to eat when you want them to, sleep when you want them to and you let them cry until they can't cry anymore (so you don't "teach" them to cry to get you to respond.) This advice is presented in benign language like "get them on a schedule." I hear a lot of people espousing this idea and swearing it is the key to a happy life parenting. However, there are real concerns with some of this stuff - there is evidence to suggest that allowing babies to "cry it out" especially when they are very young will flood their little brains with cortisol, a stress hormone which, if triggered frequently, can lead to all sorts of bad things (impaired ability to learn/form memories, high blood pressure, even diabetes and obesity.)

Additionally, if you think about it - if you let a baby cry it out, what you are teaching them is that when they use the ONE method of communication they have available to them, that you will not respond. You are teaching them that their voice is ineffective. Also, I read something about this recently that made me want to cry and barf at the same time...a baby who "cries it out" and then is quiet (being a fairly simple-minded creature with no understasnding of object or people permanence...i.e. when you walk away, your very young baby has no idea that you will be coming back - you no longer exist to them) has basically come to the conclusion that they are alone in the world and must conserve energy to survive. Holy God in heaven, I would rather chop off my foot than let my baby feel that way!!! I have also read that a baby that has "cried it out" and become quiet and a "good baby" may actually be depressed. Arghghggh! A depressed baby! However...at 4am, when the baby has been fed, burped, swaddled and has a clean diaper and yet is wailing for no apparent reason despite being held, rocked, sung to and patted for 45 minutes...setting them in the crib, putting in some earplugs and going to sleep is extremely tempting (no, AP freaks, I haven't done this, nor will I.)

Are you starting to see how stressful this is? Not just the having the baby, taking care of the baby....but the decisions about what to do and how to handle things? It almost feels like you have to torture yourself to do what's right for your baby or you have to torture your baby to allow yourself some sanity.

Then there is the camp that believes that either extreme is bad, weird or just plain crazy and therfore rejects all of these ideas and just kind of parents from the heart and mind (or perhaps just does what their mother tells them to do) or takes a little of this and a little of that from whatever they come across. I find myself falling into this camp, as you may have guessed.

Part of the reason I feel cynical toward these so called "experts" is because I am beginning to suspect that a lot of them are simply preying on young, inexperienced parents who are desperate for help, guidance and the elusive "magic bullet" (this is one of many things I like about Dr. Sears and family - they don't claim to have too many easy ways out of the tough job of parenting...their philosophy seems to be to try to find joy in even the most dull and difficult of tasks.) On the one hand, there is research, knowledge and experience that we'd be stupid to totally ignore. On the other hand, each baby, household and parent is different.

I am all for trying different things suggested by these authors - for example, last week I tried "babywearing" for a while. Cassidy kind of likes to be worn in a sling or carrier, but not so much that it always calms her down if she's fussy. Besides - our backs hurt for most of the rest of the day if we carry her around for an hour or two. Maybe shen she's big enough to go in a back-pack type carrier it won't be so shoulder-straining. As another example, I'm on this kick where I'm trying to get her to follow the pattern eat-play/awake-sleep. I think there is something to this idea (described in the book Babywise, which a lot of people really hate, somewhat for good reason.) Babywise has been revised in recent years and supposedly had taken out much of the more controversial parts, like the parts where it commanded parents to ignore their screaming babies and refuse to feed them until it was time to according to a rigid schedule. Obviously, that is a bad idea.

The part that intrigues me, though, is this eat-play-sleep thing plus feeding every 2..5-3 hours during the day. It is very easy to naturally let your baby fall asleep after eating - they get that drunky milk-coma look like this...


and off they go to dreamland. But by keeping them awake after eating, you teach them to not rely on feeding as the thing that puts them to sleep. That part is not what is so interesting to me - the part that is interesting is the idea that she should be eating, then awake for 30-45 minutes and then back to sleep for 1.5 - 2hours. Basically, I am pretty sure Cassidy is not sleeping enough and it is making her OVERtired and cranky. This is a way of trying to prompt that she gets more sleep. I am neither going to deny her food if she seems hungry before 2.5 hours, nor am I going to wake her up if she is still sleeping after two hours. However, just in this one day that we've been trying this, I've noticed a difference - she has gone down for a nap twice without me holding her - this is a HUGE victory for us because the last week, she has only been cat napping and usually only if I am holding her. Of course, who knows....she may be up all night now.

Hope not.

5 week update

She will be 6 weeks old tomorrow!

Last night I slept from 11pm-5am and then again from 5:30am to 7am. Of course I was woken up a few times when she made noises and when Kevin got up to feed her, but my goodness, that was a good night - it felt like a crime to get so much sleep. Kevin slept from 1am until 4am, got up and fed her, then slept until 8am. So, put another way, things are getting better at night. :)

She does have seemingly random crying fits for no reason and she can be fussy for hours on end. But it is all definitely getting better. I can sort of see how someone might be willing to do this over again at some point.

I go back to grad school on Monday and back to work on Tuesday - yikes! I'm excited about both but really not sure how this is all going to work. But I'm confident it will.