working mothers, etc.

So as you know if you pay attention, I am a married, working parent who is enrolled in grad school. THat is a lot of life areas to be responsible for. I have found myself thinking about it a lot, so much that I have decided to develop a research proposal for my research class around this population of people - those who are married, have kids, are in grad school and are full-time employed. It is not a well studied group and it sounds kind of specific, but almost everyone in my grad school classes fall into that category.

Work-life balance is a touch thing for all of us, well, most of us who work, anyway. You have to account for such a variety fo things: your children's needs, your spouse's needs, your needs (talking basic needs here - physical and emotional. primarily.) THen you have the issue of $$ to meet those needs, so that is a major factor. Then there is health and wellness - are you eating well? Exercising? Or does that go by the wayside? What about the part of your week formerly known as your social life? Has it been reduced to only absolute obligations like weddings, baby showers and funerals? (For example, I am going to a birthday party today and my only justification is that it is my boss's birthday party.) How about work and school? THere is a trade off, for me, anyway. Do I dig into my work now or give that paper one last read-through? Or, more generally, do I do the bare minimum I need to get the grade I'm satisfied with or do I give it my all because I am paying for it and want to learn?

Is it enough to spend the morning, evening and weekend hours with the baby? Am I doing more or less than other moms? Is it a benefit because my husband is equally responsible or am I falling short as a mother somehow? WIll my child benefit from this crazy chapter of life, ultimately, because her mother has her own life and career and goals - will she be inspired by that? Will she be inspired that you really can "have it all?" Or will we miss out on something important we can't get back?

Digging into this research has made me 1. very interested in the topic and wanting to do the actual study and 2. very interested in research, period, and therefore, more interested than ever in getting my PhD.

However, as you maybe have guessed, that goes back into the research topic. SHould I finish my master's and be done with it, be done with this lifestyle that feels a little like playing twister with my life - stretching for that green circle while maintaining contact with the blue one, possibly squishing friends or family members along the way? Or do I push on through, meet that goal, and enjoy the ride?

Sometimes I have doubts. But sometimes I feel like my doubts are placed there by others and they are not really mine at all. Even when people are polite, that look, when I talk about my life areas and the nature of being in multiple roles, that look of "you are a certifiable lunatic, lady" can be painful. Mostly I ignore it, because I'm fairly confident in the choices I've made and even when I'm now, I plow ahead and things generally work out. But occasionally, the doubt of others...it gives me pause. THere are things I've been wrong about before. Mostly I'm right about predicting how I will experience something. I was pretty much dead-on about my marriage - it's gone almost exactly how I've expected it to, thankfully. And this current stage of motherhood is about what I expected. However, those first few weeks of Cassidy's life were just crazy. I wanted to roll over and die. I wanted to jump out the window. And I wasn't expecting it. So, I'm always thinking in the very veyr back of my mind that I might actually be on the verge of a nervous breakdown without even realizing it.

My life is what I want it to be right now, I'm fairly certain of that. I feel happy and confident and reasonably content. But I find myself wondering, what, if anything, could make it even better? More time with the baby? More time for myself? More sleep? More money? More certianty about the future in terms of my academic plans?

In any case, being a mom is this whole other world, but the world you were in before doesn't completley disapear - you still have to manage your life. And I'm still figuring that out.

current photos

Soooo much better

Well, I think that post-birth hormones, sleepless nights, being homebound and out of a routine and not knowing what the hell you're doing are the perfect storm that result in a generally anxious, unhappy person. The good news is, about 6 weeks into this journey, all three of those things simultaneously got better.

Cassidy started sleeping with something of a predictable schedule. My emotions seemed to calm down rather suddenly. I became comfortable leaving the house with a baby. I went back to work. And I kind of figured out what I'm doing.

I can now imagine having another child. That is a huge relief to me.

For that first month and a half, I felt like I was stuck inside a garbage bag. Some days I felt like I was clawing to get out and other days like I'd resigned myself to being stuck in a Hefty Cinch Sack for the rest of my days. But finally, at almost exactly 6 weeks, it was as if someone opened the top of the bag and light flooded in and I got a big giant breath of cool, fresh air and stretched my limbs.

I enjoy her so much now. Even when she isn't happy, it's no big deal. I usually know how to fix it and if I don't, she chills out eventually. I have gotten to be ok with holding/cuddling a crying baby and kind of half ignoring the crying. Also, she makes me laugh a lot. We laugh together (Kevin and me) about her a lot which is really fun.

Being away from her is a little bit tough, but I just love picking her up or coming home to her. I feel, when I'm driving to pick her up or driving home to see her, kind of like I did when Kevin and I were dating and I'd get annoyed with traffic on the way to his house because I was so anxious to see him.

One thing that really helps is that she very consistently will go to sleep around 7:45pm and that allows us to have our usual routine of 8pm dinner and hang out/chat/read/blog/watch tv from about 8:30 until bedtime. I really need that time to unwind. I got to bed earlier (because I get up earlier with her) so I am really glad to know at least approximately when the "on duty" sign goes off. You know? It is really good for both of us to have that time to catch up and relax a little bit. Plus, I can go to bed at 10 or so and I know I don't have to get up until 5 at the very earliest (usually more like 5:30) and even if she wakes up then, a quick re-inserting of the binkie can usually buy me another 15 minutes, and that can usually happen 3-4 times until she gets sick of playing that game. Around 6:30 or so, I bring her into our bed and kind of just cuddle with her and maybe half-sleep if she's really mellow. But I honestly don't actually get up with her until around 7am - for an 8 week old, that's pretty darned good.