Best one yet

I know I have been focusing on the smiling. And that gets kind of boring after a while. But there is a reason I am focusing on this. I think the whole Cassidy getting developmentally to the point where she is actually reacting and responding to us has pushed me out of my new-mama funk. I have been feeling slowly better and more like myself over the past month, but her face lighting up when she sees me is amazing and has made everything worth it. I thought people were just saying that when they would say that when your kid smiles at you, it's all worth it. Doesn't that sound made up? A cliche that isn't even true? A lie, almost?

I'm here to tell you it is totally true and I am not exaggerating. When that little thing finally seems to notice you, and LIKE you - wow. The memories of those sleepless nights and hours of her crying just melt and fade. It doesn't matter. Really. I would do almost anything for that smile. I think this is why people spoil their kids - they get addicted to that smile. And I totally understand why.

There is quite simply nothing better than this...

gotcha

She started smiling about a week or so ago but now she's doing it pretty regularly. Of course my camera has that like 1/2 second delay with the flash so I can never get it at the "height" of the smile, but at least this is something. I had to take about 17 pictures to get a couple decent ones but I finally got some.

First day of daycare

So we decided to go with this woman who lives about 5 minutes away and has a two year old son as well as two school ages girls that she watches in her home during the after school hours. Her name is Kristin and both Kevin and I feel good about having her watch Cassidy. She is young (probably early 20s) but I get a good feeling from her. She seems patient and really seems to enjoy children. She also is trying to get pregnant so she's very much in baby-loving mode.

This is absolutely the best arrangement for us, all things considered. Cassidy will be with my dad on Mondays, me on Tuesdays, Kristin on Wednesdays and Fridays and Kevin will have her on Thursdays. I am concerned that she is going to be kind of confused and not fully into a daily routine - but I also think she'll benefit from learning to adapt and go with the flow. I also think it will be great for her to be around other kids to get used to those sounds and that environment. If we have five kids, she would be growing up in a very different home and I want her to have some of that experience. Oh, they also have this teeny, tiny, surprisingly friendly, fat little chiuaua (sp?) doggie.

But, as confident as I am, it's still very difficult to turn your totally dependent, vulnerable baby over to someone you barely know. I find myself considering buying Kristin a webcam and other crazy new-mom stuff - I know I just need to relax and go with it - but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. I am also worried that when I come to pick her up, she'll be screaming (which she does fairly frequently when she's with us or my parents) and I'll feel horrible and feel like she might have been doing that all day because I left her - ugh.

I'll let you know how it goes.

a real smile, caught on camera!

Thanks, Grammy!

Smiles

So, probably the greatest thing so far about parenting, for me, has happened recently. She is 6.5 weeks old and she is starting to smile for actual reasons, rather that just when she is farting or something. It is the most gratifying thing, when this little blob who seems to just kind of eat, sleep, poop and cry - with no consideration for how they have turned your life upside down - suddenly starts reacting to you. It's pretty freakin' cool. The first time it happened I actually said out loud "Wow, she likes me!" Prior to that, there was no real indication.

I have yet to take a photo of her while she is really smiling...but here is one to tide you over.

Parenting methods

So if you are psycho like me, you read a lot of books about things like pregnancy, childbirth and parenting. The trouble with reading so many books is that there are a lot of different philosophies out there so choosing one to go with is confusing.

In parenting, there seem to be two major camps. Well, three. There is the Attachment Parenting camp - headed up by Dr. Sears and his wife Nurse Sears - they have like 10 kids, some with special needs, and some adopted. He's a pediatrician, she's a nurse and lactation consultant. Seems like they probably know a thing or two. Their whole thing is being CLOSE with your baby, physically. Breastfeeding is a must, co-sleeping (baby in the bed with mom) is recommended, and "wearing" your baby in a sling or carrier is a big part of it. Bonding is emphasized. Staying home with the baby as opposed to working is preferred although they do make recommendations for how to deal if you cannot do that. The baby lets you know when he or she is hungry. The baby decides when he or she will sleep. If baby cries, you go to him or her and even if nothing is wrong, you hold the baby until he or she is comforted. Basically, the baby is running the show and you, as the parent are responding. The trouble with this method is that if you aren't a stay at home mom, it's difficult to fully commit to it. Additionally, some people are uncomfortable with co-cleeping. Finally - responding at your baby's every grunt, whine or cry is truly exhausting. There is pretty solid research to back up a lot of this stuff - such that I am about 70% sure that if the ONLY factor you are considering is your baby's sense of security and wellbeing, this is probably the best mothod to follow. Not everyone buys into this, and even for those who accept the research that is presented, this is not realistic for everyone due to lifestyle, finances, preferences and safety/comfort level.

At the other end of the spectrum, there are a few authors (I hesitate to call any of these people "experts" which I'll get into in a moment) that suggest that the worst thing you can do is make your baby the center of your world. Your marriage will be destroyed, your sex life will cease. You will end up raising a selfish, bratty kid. So, instead of "babying" your baby, you "train" them. You train them to eat when you want them to, sleep when you want them to and you let them cry until they can't cry anymore (so you don't "teach" them to cry to get you to respond.) This advice is presented in benign language like "get them on a schedule." I hear a lot of people espousing this idea and swearing it is the key to a happy life parenting. However, there are real concerns with some of this stuff - there is evidence to suggest that allowing babies to "cry it out" especially when they are very young will flood their little brains with cortisol, a stress hormone which, if triggered frequently, can lead to all sorts of bad things (impaired ability to learn/form memories, high blood pressure, even diabetes and obesity.)

Additionally, if you think about it - if you let a baby cry it out, what you are teaching them is that when they use the ONE method of communication they have available to them, that you will not respond. You are teaching them that their voice is ineffective. Also, I read something about this recently that made me want to cry and barf at the same time...a baby who "cries it out" and then is quiet (being a fairly simple-minded creature with no understasnding of object or people permanence...i.e. when you walk away, your very young baby has no idea that you will be coming back - you no longer exist to them) has basically come to the conclusion that they are alone in the world and must conserve energy to survive. Holy God in heaven, I would rather chop off my foot than let my baby feel that way!!! I have also read that a baby that has "cried it out" and become quiet and a "good baby" may actually be depressed. Arghghggh! A depressed baby! However...at 4am, when the baby has been fed, burped, swaddled and has a clean diaper and yet is wailing for no apparent reason despite being held, rocked, sung to and patted for 45 minutes...setting them in the crib, putting in some earplugs and going to sleep is extremely tempting (no, AP freaks, I haven't done this, nor will I.)

Are you starting to see how stressful this is? Not just the having the baby, taking care of the baby....but the decisions about what to do and how to handle things? It almost feels like you have to torture yourself to do what's right for your baby or you have to torture your baby to allow yourself some sanity.

Then there is the camp that believes that either extreme is bad, weird or just plain crazy and therfore rejects all of these ideas and just kind of parents from the heart and mind (or perhaps just does what their mother tells them to do) or takes a little of this and a little of that from whatever they come across. I find myself falling into this camp, as you may have guessed.

Part of the reason I feel cynical toward these so called "experts" is because I am beginning to suspect that a lot of them are simply preying on young, inexperienced parents who are desperate for help, guidance and the elusive "magic bullet" (this is one of many things I like about Dr. Sears and family - they don't claim to have too many easy ways out of the tough job of parenting...their philosophy seems to be to try to find joy in even the most dull and difficult of tasks.) On the one hand, there is research, knowledge and experience that we'd be stupid to totally ignore. On the other hand, each baby, household and parent is different.

I am all for trying different things suggested by these authors - for example, last week I tried "babywearing" for a while. Cassidy kind of likes to be worn in a sling or carrier, but not so much that it always calms her down if she's fussy. Besides - our backs hurt for most of the rest of the day if we carry her around for an hour or two. Maybe shen she's big enough to go in a back-pack type carrier it won't be so shoulder-straining. As another example, I'm on this kick where I'm trying to get her to follow the pattern eat-play/awake-sleep. I think there is something to this idea (described in the book Babywise, which a lot of people really hate, somewhat for good reason.) Babywise has been revised in recent years and supposedly had taken out much of the more controversial parts, like the parts where it commanded parents to ignore their screaming babies and refuse to feed them until it was time to according to a rigid schedule. Obviously, that is a bad idea.

The part that intrigues me, though, is this eat-play-sleep thing plus feeding every 2..5-3 hours during the day. It is very easy to naturally let your baby fall asleep after eating - they get that drunky milk-coma look like this...


and off they go to dreamland. But by keeping them awake after eating, you teach them to not rely on feeding as the thing that puts them to sleep. That part is not what is so interesting to me - the part that is interesting is the idea that she should be eating, then awake for 30-45 minutes and then back to sleep for 1.5 - 2hours. Basically, I am pretty sure Cassidy is not sleeping enough and it is making her OVERtired and cranky. This is a way of trying to prompt that she gets more sleep. I am neither going to deny her food if she seems hungry before 2.5 hours, nor am I going to wake her up if she is still sleeping after two hours. However, just in this one day that we've been trying this, I've noticed a difference - she has gone down for a nap twice without me holding her - this is a HUGE victory for us because the last week, she has only been cat napping and usually only if I am holding her. Of course, who knows....she may be up all night now.

Hope not.

5 week update

She will be 6 weeks old tomorrow!

Last night I slept from 11pm-5am and then again from 5:30am to 7am. Of course I was woken up a few times when she made noises and when Kevin got up to feed her, but my goodness, that was a good night - it felt like a crime to get so much sleep. Kevin slept from 1am until 4am, got up and fed her, then slept until 8am. So, put another way, things are getting better at night. :)

She does have seemingly random crying fits for no reason and she can be fussy for hours on end. But it is all definitely getting better. I can sort of see how someone might be willing to do this over again at some point.

I go back to grad school on Monday and back to work on Tuesday - yikes! I'm excited about both but really not sure how this is all going to work. But I'm confident it will.

time away

So, my mom and dad took Cassidy last night for her second overnight. Kevin and I both got to sleep for a full 8 hours as well as hang out a little before bed together. I got up this morning and got about one million things done today including washing my hair - woo!

I know a lot of people are kind of surprised that we "let" my parents take her for an overnight already. This puzzles me, probably much the same way it puzzles them that we are willing to part with her. Kevin has a harder time with it than I do. Maybe because 1. it's my family and 2. because this is how I was raised sort of communally. (My mom tells me that when I was three weeks old she and my dad left me with Grandma for the weekend.) But Kevin feels comfortable with it and agrees that we all benefit from the situation. Now, don't get me wrong, I wouldn't leave her with just anyone. In fact, I'm having a hard time picturing myself handing Cassidy off to the babysitter next week when I got back to work - it feels scary. But I've seen my mom and dad have such an active hand in caring for a set of triplets who are now 4 years old, since they were newborns. Pretty much ever since I moved back to Pittsburgh, I have watched my mom change diapers and feed babies. Plus - she's my MOTHER.

I guess, in addition to wanting a break now and then, I believe strongly that it's good for Cassidy to really know her grandparents. Not just as those people she sees on holidays and an occasional visit - no way. I want her to grow up feeling as secure with my parents as she does when she's with us. Lord knows she isn't always going to want to talk to mom about everything - I hope she picks up the phone and calls Grammy when she is sick of me when she's 13.

Finally, I think it's one of the kindest things you can do for your parents - to let them know and love your child. I heard one woman the other day lament that her daughter doesn't let her grandchildren stay with her. I've heard this before - grandparents whose kids live across the country, or just across town but don't make it a priority that their parents get to spend time with their kids. Sometimes, probably for good reason. But in our case, we'd be crazy to pass up taking advantage of the world's best babysitters. :)

How cute is this, though??

development

Not the fundraising kind (development is the industry term for those of us who raise money for nonprofits.) Nope, today we are talking about developmental milestones. I just realized that this is going to be a weird topic. Not a weird topic to blog about necessarily, but a weird topic to try to discuss with others.

If you tell someone who is not a parent that your kid just did X - like said their first word or crawled or whatever, they don't really care and they probably don't know anything about the age a child is supposed to be when they do those things. So if you are like "My 3 month old is walking" they would be like "Oh, that's nice." (Three month old don't walk...and actually they shouldn't, even if they could, from what I'm reading.) So, there's no sense in sharing with them about how your baby is mimicking your facial expressions.

Now, here is the sticky part. If you tell a PARENT about your child's latest trick...ugh. I've just decided, that with a very few exceptions, I'm just not going to do this. If you say, as I have in the last week or two to quite a few people "Oh, Cassidy is holding her head up and has been for a while...and, get this, she rolled over last week..." (she did - from front to back. twice that I've seen.) There are a variety of possible reactions and there have been quite a range. For one thing, I've been light-heartedly accused of "bragging." Ugh. That just makes me feel so frustrated - I mean, if that is what people are going to think, how are you supposed to converse about your child...EVER??? People have also gotten all "well when babies reach early milestones, it's usually because their muscles are tight - you should have your doctor check her out."

Umm...she just rolled over a few times.

As I reflect on this, I just kind of realize that whether your child is right on track developmentally, hitting those milestones at the textbook times, or they are a little behind, or they are superbaby...it is probably best to just keep these things to conversations within the confines of close family and maybe a couple of extremely well adjusted friends...preferably those whose kids aren't the same age. Kevin and I have had a few really fun moments watching her do some amazing baby thing - there is no better feeling, in my opinion, than watching your kiddo do something for the first time. I guess I shouldn't be surprised that the only other human who responds with such excitement at Cassidy's latest achievement is...my mom.

The unsettling thing about this, though, is that it is the beginning of how things go the rest of our lives...our kids' achievement is this crazy competition. And surely, it only gets worse - right up until the announcement of the first string quarterback on the high school team, the crowning of the prom queen and the giving out of the last scholarship at the senior class awards banquet (depending on your priorities.) Although, just because your child is 18 - that doesn't mean the battle is over. People still gossip about whose adult child got laid off, who is still single, who is gay, who is getting divorced, who makes a lot of money and bought the fancy car, etc. It kind of puts a damper on the joy of child rearing.

Anyone up for joing my new club - the "Let's not be competitive and instead be supportive and happy for each other's child's achievements?" club. (?) We are taking applications for membership, currently.

more crazy

Things people have recently said or implied that I'm crazy for doing/attempting to do:

Work full time and part time at the same time.

And start grad school.

And get pregnant.

And plan to continue working and going to grad school after baby arrives.

Go on vacation with a newborn.

So...the latest? Well, I'm starting a brand new job at a totally different agency on September 8th. It's a great job, about a 25% salary increase, about the same amount of time off, great benefits and it's exactly what I'd like to be doign next.

So, it's like, great news. But I'd be remiss if I didn't at least acknowledge the slight craziness of it all. I didn't really intend for all of these things to be happening at once, but your early 30s are a busy time - it's prime time for the career to really take off, it's grad school time for some of us, it's baby time for lots of us. I think the next few years are just going to be a little, well, crazy. Hopefully little Cass will simply adapt and be like her mother - enjoying life that travels at a heart-pounding speed...

Vacation -- thumbs up.

We had a fabulous time in the NY Finger Lakes. Cassidy was pleasant for the vast majority of the time and got passed around between mom, dad, grammy, pappy and a few other willing relatives. She slept pretty well, too. Here are a few photos.