Thoughts on parenting...

Here we are. 12 days in. I am now an expert. Hahahahaha. Actually, I feel like I know nothing. I feel like I'm babysitting half the time and wondering when someone will come to collect this child they have mistakenly left with me for almost two weeks. And then it hits me. She's ours. FOREVER. THere will be nights out and weekends at Grandma's and eventually summer camp, but for the love of all things holy, she is freakin' Here. To. Stay. There is no feeling like it, really. Your whole life gets turned upside down, sideays and backwards in that one singular moment when the obscenely painful pushing results in a mass of gloopy, warm, squirming, shrieking, oddly smelling human out and up onto your belly thanks to the midwife.

I will never forget that moment. The relief of having done the equivilent of basically shitting out a television as one descriptive friend of mine so finely put it...the excitement of seeing this person I've been feeding, housing and protecting inside my body for 40 weeks...the terror of the real, serious, major responsibility that suddenly was dumped in our collective, marital lap. Then of course the overwhelming feeling of "I AM NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER DOING THAT AGAIN NO MATTER WHAT!!!!!!!!"

What I didn't realize is that the birth...well, I hate to say this....but it's kind of NOTHING compared to the sleepless nights of baby-screaming that have followed, paired charmingly with the tsunami of hormones that make me feel desperate, anxious, overwhelmed, worried, angry, melancholy, lonely and depressed and make me cry at the idea of anything sad, scary, beautiful or sweet. So these days I really really really feel like "I AM SOOOOOO NEVER DOING THIS AGAIN. EVER. NO MATTER WHAT!!!!!!!!!"

A baby makes you realize how selfish you are.

A baby makes you realize how easy you had it and makes you want to kick yourself for not appreciating it before.

A baby makes you realize that getting a dog is completely out of the question.

A baby makes you realize that even though you make a nice salary, you are actually poor in that spoiled, not-real American middle-class poor kind of way.

A baby also does some neat-o things. A baby makes you realize that you are seriously perfectly matched with your (my) ever-patient, selfless husband. A baby makes you realize that you had purpose before....but now you have Purpose with a capital P. Talk about a reason for living....man, I've never felt so focused. Even if said focus includes - change poopy diaper while Cassidy screams in my face for no real reason.

Here is a picture of her when she is just so calm and sweeet and perfect. This is about 70% of the time, what life with Cassidy is like at this stage....but, man, that other 30% is ROUGH! How come no one takes pictures of babies while they are screaming and shaking thier little fists at you? I'll make more of an effort.