So I've been reading this book - I'm only about 30 pages in - called Bad Mother. And it's brought up some interesting ideas. Namely how we, as women and particularly as mothers, judge each other. THere was this whole feminist theory a while back about how the whole judgement toward mamas came out of some push from those in power to distract us from the "real" problems...we spend time sniping at each other and gossiping to each other about who lets their child use a binkie while President Bush sent many thousands of young people to die in Iraq for what many consider to be no good reason.
But, seemingly, it's not really about that. I mean, that totally happens - but it's not George Bush or the Republicans that are to blame for this one. It's women. It's us.
Who did this to us? Who made us all holier than thou...thou being the slutty-loking lady in the Walmart yapping on her cell phone while ignoring her two year old who is wearing nothing but a diaper and scooting around on the floor with a half eaten candy bar in his hand? Oooh, see, right there? I'm doing it! But I can't help it!!!
We all feel superior to that woman - so that makes it seem ok, right? But should we? I don't know!! It's like we make being a good mom impossible. We either are condemned by someone for not breastfeeding or for breastfeeding our child until said child is 5 years old and able to lift up our shirt, unfurl our bosom and help themselves while reciting several states and capitals while he or she is at it. You can't win. Really - you can't. You can't win and you can't please everyone. In fact, I am starting to think you can't please much of anyone.
Attachment parenting vs scheduling parenting, cry-it-out vs...whatever you call it when you do everything you can to prevent your baby from crying. Breastfeeding vs bottle feeding. Baby wearing vs "crib dwelling", schedule feeding vs demand feeding, vaccines vs no vaccines vs delayed vaccines.
The thing is...I have feelings and thoughts and opinions on all of these issues. Most of them, fairly well researched. And honestly, there is merit to both sides in most if not every single one of these issues, in my opinion. That is why they are controversial. Each side feels soooo strongly - I had no idea what I was getting into. It's like going to a Roe-vs-Wade themed debate every day when you get on the Internet or just tell someone in passing that you're pregnant/have a baby.
People like to share their views. And a fairly significant portion of that view sharing poulation isn't satisfied to just share....they want to over-share, plus convince, persuade, guilt, manipulate, strong arm and coerce you over to their side. I think one conclusion I'm coming to in all of this is that I want to continue to advocate that people EDUCATE themselves. An uneducated parent is well, probably not the best they could be. I think it's fair to just encourage people to seek factual, balanced information on these topics. And I think if someone asks your opinion, awesome - share away. But as for me, I really want to try to stop the mommy-bashing. For a variety of reasons.
The question is...why do we care so much about what other people do with their kids? (I actually think I know the answer to this - mostly we just enjoy feeling like something besides the worst mother on the block.) On the one hand, it's just mean and rude to assume you (I) know soooo much better than someone else.
Secondly, the mistakes of that other parent can actually work to your advantage. I mean, one way of looking at it is to say "ha - you do that crazy (enter one side of some controversial parenting issue that you disagree with) - well, your kid will be the one in jail/insane asylum/living with you when she's 40 - hey, the crazier your kid is, the more opportunities to excel my kid will have. I've decided - I'll probably totally go back on this within the next 17 minutes and gossip to my husband or mother about something I saw someone doing that I disagree with - that this is going to be my attitude. More room for my kid at Harvard.
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From my [limited] experience, I'll say that oftentimes, women who feel judged AND women who judge other mothers are women who feel insecure about the decisions they are making. When I hear, "Don't judge me!" I hear defensiveness. Every one of us makes parenting decisions that someone else is going to disagree with, as you've said. But, if you feel good about what you've chosen, then I say just move along and do what you're doing. Sure, there are people who think what I'm doing with my kid is dumb. I couldn't care less. I have spent a great deal of time reading, researching, thinking about everything I decide to do with my kid because I consider it my job--my daily occupation. Why would I let someone else make me feel bad about it? I guess what I'm saying is, I think parents should decide what is best for them and for their child and then be confident in it. If you're feeling insecure in something, maybe some more thought and time is needed for that issue? Get to the place where you feel good about your decisions. If something isn't working, change it.
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand, I think that "Don't judge me!" is often an excuse for making crappy choices. There is plenty of research out there that says some choices are simply better than others. I think it's weird that lots of parents will do things to/with their children that go against what is best for the kid (based on science) and then they get upset because they feel judged. The fact of the matter is, parenting decisions have very real implications on children and, by extension, on all the rest of us as well. So, when you ask, why do we care so much about what other people do with their kids?....this is my answer: because I'm going to have to interact with your child, as will my own children. [You know, not yours specifically, but everyone's.]
I guess I don't buy into the idea that "you can't win." Make some thoughtful decisions, do your best, love your kid, and feel good about it. Then you've won.
Also, personally, I have found it helpful to surround myself with people and conversation that are supports to the decisions I have made. People who are going to make me a better mother by supporting me. If you have chosen X because you believe it's the best thing for your baby and you're having a rough spot, hanging out with someone who has chosen Y will not be helpful. So, whatever you decide, find people with whom you are on the same page and help each other out. But if you don't, I totally won't judge you.
One last thought: I agree with you about offering up opinions. No one wants to hear it. My personal policy is, I don't share unless asked a specific question.
For some people, i think it is a matter of feeling bad because other people don't agree with them. For me, it's moreso just annoying and frustrating and kind of like kicking someone when they are already down. In my (incredibly, ridiculously limited experience) a brand new mother is one of the world's most vulnerable people - if someone says they knew what they were doing and felt totally confident about it 24/7 from the very beginning even when their baby was screaming at them at 3am for 40 minutes straight - well, the are absolutely more woman than I am. In general, I could care less what people think about any of the decisions I make about the little one, or otherwise - but when you're hormonal and exhausted and on the verge of tears at least half the time due to said hormones, and you're doing something you've never done before and it all seems really important and critical...it just feels really shitty when everyone has something to say about various aspects of your situation.
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